Letter to my blind date

You’ve never met me, you’ve never even seen me. Yet. But I know a lot about you.

For me it was love at first sight. Well, when I first saw a picture of you.. you were so beautiful, so wild, so far away from me, so different from everything I had experienced so far. I was fascinated, captured by you. In that moment I promised myself that one day, one day I would see you, I would meet you.

I’ve started talking about you. People got different reactions: most of them, maybe because I was still very young thought it was too early for me. My parents were against it, of course, as they always are with first loves. They didn’t understand my fascination..why you? Why not someone closer, easier? They didn’t support my love, not at the beginning at least. I was too young for this, they said, and you were dangerous. I had to have other experiences first and grow up a bit and then maybe one day, one day I will be ready, the time would be right for me to meet you.

I tried to find someone else that could share my love, my young desire so it would be easier and less scary to meet you. I was a coward, let me admit this to you now, now that I am not ashamed anymore. I was scared of you. I wanted you but you scared me a bit, because you were different and distant from my way of life at that time; because everyone was against that, I was not brave enough to go against everyone .So I stayed and waited. I kept you inside me, wherever I went, you were there.

Years went by, time always flies you know? I tried to forget about you at times, I tried to push the thought of you deep inside me. I even tried to convince myself you were in fact not a good idea, not right for me.

And so I grew up, pretending I didn’t care that much, I also stopped talking about you for a while.

From time to time It happened that someone else was talking about you. It is always the case.I should have known. You were so irresistible that of course other people fell in love with you. I was reading about these love stories somewhere, and always with a pain raising in my chest.

The worse was when someone close to me met you. Oh that was bad! One thing was reading about your love stories with strangers, but when it was a friend who “stole” you from me, I had to ask all the details, I have to hear everything, hiding the fact that I was miserable inside. That’s what friends do.

So they were telling me the details of your love, how great you were, how beautiful and wild ..the adventures you shared together! They always missed you once they couldn’t be with you anymore.. you became one of their best memories and greater loves. I have never heard once that you were a complete disaster.. maybe difficult to handle sometimes, hard on your lovers at the beginning but in any case: unforgettable. I was very jealous. You know, jealousy is always a sign you are not completely done with someone. If you feel that pain inside, that burning feeling when hearing that your childhood love belong to someone else, that someone else is having a great fun with you, well… it is clear. And it was clear to me every single time. I was not done with you, I still wanted you.

Funny, because we never met. How could I desire you so much without even knowing you directly? And yet, I started doing things in my life considering you in the picture. I saved money to come to visit you, I checked my health more often as I wanted you to see the best of me! I couldn’t allow you to meet a sick side of me, could I? Also because, so people say, you are intense. You offer a lot, but you are intense. And you can be very hot and If I want to have adventures with you, I need to be in quite a good shape!

So more or less consciously , I started doing things with you in mind. And I started talking again about you, more often. I was old enough now, there was nothing wrong loving you anymore . People were not at all surprised and were actually encouraging me ..it was also time for my parents to accept you, liking it or not. I would have make the dream come true.

I have been stopped enough already, lost in other loves that for brief moments took you away from me. Well, in London I found a huge love, this I have to tell you!! Very intense and vibrant, fascinating with its energy, always suggesting new things to do..this love made me feel alive and for few years I thought maybe that was it. In London I found someone that could make me forget about you. And I know it will be there, waiting for me with open arms in case you disappoint me. And yet it was not enough. Why are we never satisfied with the love which is comfortable, warm, easy, there for you? Maybe not perfect but good enough to settle. No, we always end up leaving behind the comfort for the thrill, we want hot, wild, dangerous. We want to feel alive.

So now the time has come. It is time to meet you. This is a blind date and I have no idea how it’s gonna end. I have to admit I am scared again, this time I am scared that I have put so much hopes in you, I have put you so high in my consideration that I am afraid I will be disappointed. You don’t know me, so for you it will be completely blind. You might like and accept me, or make my life a hell and move on to someone else. After all, when you don’t have expectations you don’t have disappointments.

For me it is different: I have spent my life dreaming about you and projecting huge hopes in this meeting so now that’s happening it is indeed scary. When the door will open and I will finally meet you, I just hope you’ll be worth of all this waiting. But in any case, thank you. The preparation to this meeting, which somehow, for some mysterious reason, has last all my life gave me a reason to go ahead, a goal to reach, something to look forward to, day after day, year after year. It was good to keep you inside my heart all along the way, you were the dream that fed my hunger for life.

I am coming. I am ready now. I am ready to meet you, Australia.

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